6 tips on how to fight properly
A person lives in society. Each of us is constantly or from time to time surrounded by other people, forced to contact them, to face other people's opinions and unpredictable reactions to some words and actions. In this case, conflicts of interest are inevitable, which means that disputes and quarrels are inevitable.
What is the right way to behave in this case? To arrange a noisy scandal is indecent and harmful for further relations, and often not only with a direct opponent, but also with people around them who are not involved in a clash. On top of everything else, an open outburst of aggression brings with it stress with all the negative health consequences. However, hiding negative emotions and trying to ignore conflict can be even more dangerous. Unspoken grievances and claims tend to accumulate, which has a bad effect on the psychoemotional state, and does not improve relations between people.
The problem can be solved. There are ways to participate in a conflict situation that allow you to let off steam with minimal losses for both parties.
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"Speak out" in writing
Sometimes the person who is irritating you is not aware of this. An attempt to once make a claim against him will lead to a protracted conflict: unexpected accusations will cause resentment and a desire to insist on your own, and it will be very difficult for you to understand each other.
If this is the case, it is worth trying to express negative emotions in writing. The process of creating a text disciplines the mind and allows you to articulate thoughts clearly. The letter can be edited as much as necessary, honing the wording and removing overly emotional phrases. The resulting "sheet of anger" will not contain incoherent angry cries, but a logical list of claims; ideally, it should include a description of ways to solve the problem.
It is better to write such a document by hand: it helps to focus. But sending it to your opponent is not at all necessary. The method allows to reduce the intensity of emotions and eliminates the need for a direct showdown. If you do decide to talk to the "enemy", you will most likely do it calmly and confidently, with a willingness to compromise.
Assess the conflict from a future perspective
The situation that provoked violent emotions may not be as catastrophic as it seems at first glance. In most cases, over time, the resentment loses its sharpness.
Try to assess your dislike from this point of view. Will you be as angry and resentful tomorrow? And in a couple of weeks? If not, you shouldn't go into open conflict right away. It makes sense to distract yourself by taking up current affairs, or simply follow the popular wisdom “the morning is wiser than the evening” and avoid stress.
Refuse personal blame
Fighting with a person who is acutely unpleasant is pointless. Nothing can be solved in this way, you can only create a long-term conflict that is dangerous for both sides.
In all other cases, negative emotions are provoked not so much by the people themselves as by their specific actions. That is why, in the process of sorting out the relationship, one should refrain from going personal. With a calm "debriefing" it is much easier to find a constructive solution and peacefully correct mistakes.
Don't hurt your opponent
The opponent is likely to be loyal to criticism of his behavior, if you do not claim that he is generally a bad person (stupid, lazy, illiterate, unscrupulous, etc.). Also, you cannot impose on him a feeling of guilt ("you do not love me"). Even with the deepest and most sincere offense, you should not try to hurt in return. This is a dead-end path, exacerbating grievances and claims, and in the long term leading to a complete rupture of relations.
Do not quarrel in front of witnesses
The process of clarifying the relationship cannot be made public. The point is not even that such actions are similar to an attempt to find supporters and, with their help, influence the opponent, which is incorrect. Much more important is the fact that one of the parties will have to admit that it is wrong, and it is much more difficult to do this in the presence of strangers. Solving the problem one-on-one, you will eliminate the conflict much faster and find a way to agree with each other.
It is completely unacceptable for spouses to quarrel in the presence of children: this not only lowers the level of trust in the family and damages the authority of adults, but also causes psychological trauma in the baby. A child participating in a conflict between parents automatically takes the side of one of them and considers himself guilty of betraying the other. Experiences have a harmful effect on the state of the nervous system, lead to a decrease in performance, memory, intelligence and can cause serious health problems.
Feel free to apologize
It is believed that both sides are to blame for the conflict, and this is almost always true for family quarrels. Nevertheless, you do not need to constantly delve into yourself and examine each of your actions "under a microscope", looking for possible mistakes. A person who lives with a chronic sense of guilt is in any case a very uncomfortable partner: he always torments himself, and provokes others to neglect and other unworthy actions.
However, it is sometimes useful to consider a controversial situation from the point of view of admitting your own mistakes. If there are any, the most correct thing is to be the first to declare that he is wrong, to a certain extent disarming the opponent. This act should be deliberate: it is important to clearly state what exactly you consider your mistake, but not to take all the blame on yourself. This will help extinguish the conflict while maintaining mutual respect for the parties. With a person who knows how to apologize on time and with dignity, as a rule, they easily and willingly communicate and very rarely quarrel.
The ability to competently get out of conflict situations speaks of a person's self-confidence and self-sufficiency. People who have mastered this art are less prone to depression, sleep disorders, hypertension and other problems associated with psycho-emotional overstrain.
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Maria Kulkes Medical journalist About the author
Education: First Moscow State Medical University named after I. M. Sechenov, specialty "General Medicine".
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