Destructive behavior: 8 ways to manipulate others
Each of us periodically encounters people, communication with whom leaves a vague feeling of a certain constraint on our own subsequent actions. At the same time, we may not always be able to realize the cause of the discomfort, but we understand what we have done or agreed to do what we should not have done. This impression arises after a conversation with a person who manipulates others.
Destructive behavior of this kind is usually associated with the desire to create in other people the wrong opinion about the true intentions and personal qualities of the manipulator, as well as to induce in them the desire to act contrary to their real interests. Today we will talk about the techniques that the manipulating person uses to achieve their goals.
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Gaslighting
Gaslighting is the intentional misleading of the interlocutor by denying the actions or words of the manipulator. When a person with whom you are unhappy for some reason begins to actively and even aggressively deny those actions that caused your outrage, his goal is obvious. He wants to make you doubt the correct perception of the situation and, on this basis, abandon a negative opinion.
It is better not to communicate with an amateur gaslighting at all: he will try to turn any doubtful situation to his advantage. If it is impossible to avoid contacts (for example, when they are necessary to solve production problems), it makes sense to prepare for each conversation and start it only with documents confirming your innocence on each controversial issue.
Projection
This is a manipulative technique in which the interlocutor constantly shifts the responsibility for his mistakes to other people or to circumstances beyond his control.
It is especially unpleasant when the habit of creating projections takes over a person so much that he begins to blame others, without even waiting for them to say something unpleasant to him. It turns out that the interlocutor becomes guilty of all his troubles only because he had the imprudence to talk to him. A manipulator of this type always looks offended and unhappy, is capricious and tries to declare the whole world as his enemy.
Generalizations
A manipulator inclined to generalizations is not going to get acquainted with the opinions of other people at all. Anyone who disagrees with him is not right, not in essence, but in form. Such a person believes, for example, that the interlocutor's judgment is unworthy of attention, since the interlocutor does not quite correctly pronounce some words, wears unfashionable clothes, has (or does not have) a certain education or property. Any feature of the interlocutor makes him wrong initially, regardless of the current situation.
In this case, the manipulator seeks to subjugate other people, forcing them to make excuses for "sins" that in fact are not such, or to deny obvious facts that have nothing to do with the situation under discussion.
Niggles
A person who is dissatisfied with your every act almost always wants to influence you in his own interests. The point of his nit-picking is not to fix something in your appearance or behavior, but to establish yourself in the consciousness of your own imperfection and begin to motivate your actions with it. It is very easy to check if this is so. For this you need:
- choose one of the claims of your interlocutor. It is advisable that she looks as specific as possible (for example, you are not dressed or combed correctly);
- get clear recommendations from him on the necessary corrections;
- follow his instructions literally.
If after that he still remains dissatisfied or his claims change diametrically, you are dealing with a manipulator. In this case, it is important to understand that you should not react to nagging at all. It will still not be possible to get the approval of the manipulator, and attempts to adapt to his whims will negatively affect your life.
Change theme
The manipulator often knows you well and perfectly remembers all the cases when you were wrong about something. When trying to discuss his behavior, he will certainly remember some of your mistake, exaggerate all the unpleasant consequences and try to devote the whole conversation to this particular topic. The fact that you have already admitted your guilt, corrected everything long ago and no one remembers the event anymore, will not matter to him.
Slander
In trying to influence you, the manipulator can involve other people. Most likely, he will select your relatives, colleagues or friends and begin to complain to them about the wrongs you allegedly caused. As a result, after a while you will have to justify yourself for no reason and listen to advice based on (undoubtedly good intentions) to persuade you to change the "wrong" style of behavior. And this is not yet the saddest scenario: there is a possibility that someone who listens to such complaints will believe in slander and stop communicating with you. The activities of a manipulator will lead to the fact that you will lose people with whom you are interested and comfortable.
Checking the boundaries of what is permitted
The manipulator constantly monitors the reaction of others to attempts to influence them. He seems to check to what extent it is possible to infuriate the interlocutor, instill in him false beliefs or force him to act in the interests of others.
In this sense, the following rule always works: the further you allow the manipulator to go with impunity, the more confident he will feel. For example, cultivating a sense of guilt in the interlocutor and seeking any "conciliatory" actions, he eventually begins to demand more and more, bringing the situation to the point of absurdity. In this way, the manipulator makes the other person dependent on his whims and moods and actually replaces his normal motivation with concern for satisfying his whims.
Insults disguised as jokes
A self-confident manipulator sometimes uses a rather risky technique: he humiliates the interlocutor in front of other people, positioning his antics as jokes, and explains the offense of a person whose behavior is trying to control a lack of a sense of humor. For example, he can publicly voice information that you think is not suitable for the hearing of strangers (information about personal inclinations, childhood mistakes, health conditions, etc.). It is understood that there is a risk in this way of forcing you to completely abandon communication, but this does not always happen: from resentment, you can begin to sort things out, thereby creating additional opportunities for manipulating yourself.
Many believe that the likelihood of meeting a manipulator is low, since there are few such individuals. Unfortunately, this is not so: in reality, all people manipulate each other to one degree or another. Therefore, the most unpleasant situation does not come at all when some intruder tries to influence your behavior. It is much worse if close people are involved in manipulations (sometimes unconsciously), justifying not entirely correct means by their concerns about your welfare.
What to do? If the manipulator is a stranger, clearly seeking to profit from your position, there is only one advice: stop communicating. In the case when your relative or close friend shows signs of destructive behavior and the final breakup is undesirable, try not to succumb to provocations and soberly assess the reasons for his actions. It is possible that attempts to manipulate are the result of mental disorders that have arisen against the background of illness or aging. Consult a psychologist: his recommendations will help you develop the correct line of behavior. In any case, do not try to subordinate your actions to the whims of the manipulator. There will be no benefit from this, and your life will become completely unbearable.
It is equally important not to succumb to the temptation to influence the behavior of loved ones with the help of manipulative techniques. First, what seems to you to be unconditionally good and right may not be good for another person at all. Secondly, even if you are sure that the actions you recommend will positively affect his fate, it is better to try to convince him in the process of a calm, confidential conversation. Remember that no amount of success will offset the negative results of using dirty tricks that can permanently ruin your relationship.
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Maria Kulkes Medical journalist About the author
Education: First Moscow State Medical University named after I. M. Sechenov, specialty "General Medicine".
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